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Some Short Fiction Fer Ye [Jan. 16th, 2015|05:03 pm]
Elvis appeared on the Ed Sullivan show on September 9, 1956. Radio waves transmitted that night have traveled roughly 316,747,584,000,000 miles into space. Elvis has so far reached 133 stars. Eventually, inevitably, Elvis will appear on the television screens of a distant alien world. The inhabitants of this world will communicate through movement. His dancing will take on meaning there. His pelvis will thrust and hips will gyrate anew. It will be, at first, obscene. It will be a message of rebellion that appeals to their pupae and larvae, which the imago will despise. It will challenge the old religions and social mores. They will celebrate the wisdom in our accidental philosophy, and their linguists will argue that we must have been observing them for some time in order to have learned and mastered their language.

They will send their questions into the sky, toward Elvis: Antennae straightened, thorax bent forward, feet 1, 3 and 6 tapping aggressively, which translates roughly into English as, "Why do we exist? Why do we die? Is there an afterlife?" And Elvis, unlike our God, will answer them. He will answer them in disco.

John Travolta's hand travels back and forth with the cadence of the Bee Gees, knee wobbling in fulfillment of the Elvis prophecies, but brimming with new revelations in every consonant and vowel of his vibrating body. "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother," and so on.

Some will say that John Travolta is the only begotten son of Elvis, sent to Rydell High School to date Sandy Olsen that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have ever-lasting life. Others will keep to the old ways, convinced that Travolta's dance moves are too disparate from Elvis' to be reconciled. Mandibles snapping open and shut, pedipalp swaying, telson slapping the ground. "He is a great man, but he is only a man."

The wars will be inevitable. Forgetting that at the core of both doctrines lies a message of peace, love and forgiveness, the creatures will begin to destroy one another. Apocryphal VHS bootlegs will surface, criticized as fakes by the opposing sides. Elvis kissing his cousin. John Travolta trading faces with Nicholas Cage, then trying to murder him.

In the final moments of the last war, some desperate affiliation of peace activists will broadcast a new transmission received that day, fifty years after the Ed Sullivan show first came down from on high. And every soldier will drop his rifle, and rise up from the filthy trenches to stand beside his brother. And every segment of every compound eye will fall upon Dancing With the Stars, where Kate Gosselin completes the Holy Trinity. She spins, one leg lifted and cradled by Tony Dovolani.

But how? Women can't even talk. Their egg sacks are too heavy and their legs shrivel and rot once they are settled into the hive. Do they have a part in Elvis' divine plan? Tony lifts Kate into the air. Her arm rests across his shoulders. She turns away, but their fingers lock to pull them toward one another again. Together, their movements translate in a woman's voice: "Eight larvae have spilled from my eggs, and so you think me a husk. But I have a soul, an interiority which can't be expressed on my power alone. Be the legs of your queen, that she might speak her silenced wisdom."

And they will go to the queen. And they will lift her up. And they will dance with her. And she will speak through them. "Feed me," she will say. "Feed me. I am hungry."
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Ninja Turtles [Mar. 28th, 2014|11:50 am]
There's a new Ninja Turtles movie coming out. These aren't my ninja turtles that I grew up with. These are Nickelodeon Ninja Turtles and I am outraged. The turtles I grew up with weren't the old mattel shit either, with their different colored masks and Michelangelo loves pizza and all that horse shit. I'm talking about authentic, comic book Ninja Turtles here. They all had red masks and said cuss words. And they didn't live in a sewer. That's stupid. You can't live in a sewer. They lived in a mobile home, and it made sense because they're turtles. And they didn't fight robots with ninja weapons. They backed over people with their cars. Because unlike all the other versions of Ninja Turtles, the comics actually asked the question, "What would it really be like if there were mutant turtles that learned to be ninjas?" And the answer is that they would back over guys in their cars.

And they didn't say "Cowabunga!" They said "Yaoi Bunghole!" That's Japanese ninja talk for "Cute Bunghole."

Nostalgia is stupid. It makes you like stuff that sucks, like Ninja Turtles. I hate to be the one to say it, but even all those classic old NES games suck. I can only play them now to examine what they had to say about the world at the time. Super Mario Brothers is obviously a condemnation of 80's drug culture. Bowser represents the rise of crystal meth, while Mario embraces the old ways of mushroom-powered vision quests.

Tetris, a game made in the Soviet Union, is about making different shaped blocks fit together so that they disappear from the screen. Clearly, the creator was pointing out that those who hide their differences and conform will be invisible to the State's destructive malice toward individualism. Or, alternatively, the player is the State, and his job is to find appropriate positions for each citizen without leaving any gaps.

Metroid is about gender. You play that game as a badass space faring bounty hunter dude for literally months, struggling to overcome ludicrous adversity. Eventually, you destroy Mother Brain (institutionalized western attitudes about the psychology of gender) with a rocket. Then you take off your power suit. Turns out you're a girl. Turns out you've got green hair. Turns out you've had a boner the whole time.

This brings us back to TMNT. The Ninja Turtles, for what it's worth, appeared on the NES four times. And what did they say about the world of the 80's and early 90's? Well, in the first one they point out that the Hudson River is so polluted that even radioactive, mutant, river-dwelling reptiles can't survive its waters. The second, "TMNT2: The Arcade Game" was one of the first to provide a co-op, four player experience. It's all about the need to find a middle ground between collectivist "mass action" and individual liberty and freedom of choice.

The third, "TMNT: The Manhattan Project," might appear at first to be a comment on the cold war. It came out in December of '91, releasing only 13 days before the dissolution of the Soviet Union. But I believe the plot tells a different story. In this game, Shredder uses ninja magic and weird Dimension X technology to turn Manhattan into a floating island in the sky, high above the rest of New York and the world. I believe this was a prescient observation about Wall Street and its position in the coming decades. It warns against what might become of us if we don't take the lessons of "TMNT2: The Arcade Game" to heart.

The fourth game, "Tournament Fighters," was released in 1993 and said nothing at all. Just more vapid swill for the kind of nostalgic Ninja Turtle "fan" that can't even define "perestroika," much less see the clear overtures from Reagan to Gorbachev evident in the earlier TMNT NES titles. Please end this charade. Ninja Turtles without a Soviet Union are like an envelope without a letter. What is the meaning of this drivel, Micheal Bay?
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The Collected Tweets of @goatunit (part 5) [Jan. 30th, 2013|09:44 pm]
When I die, I'm going to immediately attack the biggest ghost I see, because what if it's like prison?

When did God stop using fish-swallowing to make dudes do the right thing?

Don't normally do #celebgossip, but feeling conflicted between hatred of Kim Kardashian and intense fetish for pregnant Armenians.

Super Mario Brothers on NES. Level 8-1. Perfect metaphor for anything.

How many hours of music do you have to have on your computer before everyone has to agree that you're cool?

Other people who do things the wrong way must be punished.

Don't buy Vanna White's beauty tips book you guys. It's just one long, carefully worded contract with the devil.

Sometimes I see something weird, like a guy yelling at some birds, and I think maybe it's a clue.

#SkyrimRap Gotta hit ctrl if you gonna tresspass / it's like bacne, these haters keep spottin' my ass

Movie Idea: 'Roided Out Bros in Space

Once lost $800 trying to fight kobolds at a craps table.

What if RIAA artists have their IP protected, but have to pay residuals for each cultural reference? Money divided equally among citizens.

"Aren't you that guy who tries to look like he is the same kind of person that he thinks everyone else is?" #IGetThatALot
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The Collected Tweets of @goatunit (part 4) [Jan. 29th, 2013|07:11 pm]
It's almost as if my baby knows that I would never punch him right in the face.

I used to be like you, @BuyDirectUSA . But I emerged from my cocoon of guilt and became a stinging insect, putting my rage into action.

The story of the frog prince would be greatly complicated if the princess who kissed him was underage.

The story of the Princess and the Pea makes more sense if it's pee instead, slowly soaking up through each mattress.

I get why the various villagers do it, but why do the other firemen call him Fireman Sam? #kidshowquestions

From now on, all of my tweets will begin with the phrase, "In accordance with prophecy..." Character limit be damned.

Just commented on an LJ argument I was in six years ago. Eagerly waiting for it to flare up again.

Seeing "No Copyright Infringement Intended" in the description of a youtube video warms my heart. It's so precious.

An Office Depot Josef Beuys calendar would be awesome. Like a three month-long grid of salami that you hang from your rearview.

Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother must have been super ugly. I know the wolf was found out eventually, but still.

Did you know that most people only use ten percent of their penis?
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The Collected Tweets of @goatunit (part 3) [Jan. 28th, 2013|03:55 am]
I bet a documentary called "Whooping Cough: The Silent Killer" would probably be pretty poorly researched.

I'm not judging, but the thing I don't get about furries is that an actual 6' dogman wouldn't be even a little erotic.

If you step to me, son, you better not blink / or you'll be markin' down your hit point damage in ink.

I can roll a one, and I still won't miss / increase two-handed weapon skill every time that I piss

Spellbook so thick, it's a terrible burden / straight crushin' them dungeons like Drizzt Do'Urden

But the rumors keep flyin' at the Toppling Flagon / cause I'm wearin' more bling than a platinum dragon

Trying to make a pro/con list for becoming a hardcore coke addict, but everything is in both columns.

I bet if you saw a dude dressed in rags in Gondor, you would have to seriously wonder whether he was a wizard or a homeless or both. #Hobbit

Also, you know there are guys in Bree that hate addressing hobbits and dwarves by species. 50/50 chance. Guess wrong, you're racist.

Rich libertarians are annoying, it's true. But poor libertarians are adorable.

I bet the best part about being blind is having a good friend who will lie to you about how popular you are on the internet.
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The Collected Tweets of @goatunit (part 2) [Jan. 27th, 2013|01:42 pm]
Pro Tip: Drink vodka until you can't read. Click "Add to Cart" until total price is six digits. Complete purchase. #Santa4Grownups

When I go senile, I don't think I will be irritable about it. I am used to being confused by absolutely everything I encounter.

Maybe it's racist to say, but I think white people make the best racist tweets. #WhiteGirlWednesday

If you don't know how to get to the Forbidden Zone, just don't even waste my fucking time.

If it wasn't for mixed nuts, I wouldn't have no nuts at all.

I know I'm playing right into their hands, but every time I see a dick in a movie, I laugh.

Just once, I want someone to tell me that he's religious, but not spiritual.

I heard a terrible rumor that you watch America's Got Talent, and that you really care who is going to win. Also, you respect the judges.

What if God is real and he judges us as a team?

#Liberalism is about making positions of power available to all people. #Leftism is about dismantling the architecture of power.

90% of graphics options in video games. #ThingsIDontUnderstand

I hope Donald Trump is ok. I haven't heard otherwise - I just wish him the best as a fellow human being.
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The Collected Tweets of @goatunit (part 1) [Jan. 25th, 2013|06:41 pm]
"Dreft makes babyhood special," might be the ballsiest claim ever made by a commercial.

Religious Authority used to come from study. Now it comes from search engine optimization.

Why do you have a secret identity, Super Why? You are only an inch tall. They are going to recognize you regardless. #kidshowquestions

No, you don't understand. I don't want my name in lights. I want my face on currency.

If I was in a gang, I would be like, "C'mon, gang!" All the time. They would be visibly tired of hearing it.

With bargains like these, who needs unconditional love? #cybermonday

Text: "Life is a valley between two eternities." to 30364 to receive our special promotional offer. #cybermonday

Enter our sweepstakes to be annihilated by a revelation of the true meaning of existence, and stand naked in the mind of God. #cybermonday

Twitter is about shouting poetry into the mouth of a man who is dreaming of falling and will never wake up.

You are the result of a series of accidents in a cruel, uncaring universe - but you're getting amazing deals on the season's hottest gifts.

The fear bubbling in your stomach is God whispering that He loves you, and wants you to pay less for top electronic gifts. #cybermonday

You are that rarest thing in this world: a good person. You deserve to pay less for stocking stuffers. #cybermonday

Pro Tip: Time travel 800 years into the past. Claim to have made whatever you're currently wearing. #OwnYourLook

How much, in ruples? #4WordsAftaSex
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Piracy [Jan. 5th, 2013|12:48 pm]
Speaking as a musician who has had this exact experience: If you create a song and then find it on a foreign website, correctly attributed, with 300 some odd downloads, and that doesn't fill you with joy and gratitude, then there is something evil inside you that you must destroy.
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Zinger [Jun. 28th, 2012|06:13 am]
A Zinger's not a Twinkie, quite
but not a cupcake either.
If e'er a woman were half as delight-
ful, I'd surely like to meet her.

A sort of eclair, one might suppose,
but for the cake it's made from.
Alas, a mystery, unless solved post-
humously, for it's nomnomnomnomnom!

(At this point in the poem you should turn to the person next to you and try to eat his face.)
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Sincerely, L Cohen [Sep. 24th, 2011|10:19 pm]
Please find me.
I am almost 30.
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