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Ninja Turtles [Mar. 28th, 2014|11:50 am]
There's a new Ninja Turtles movie coming out. These aren't my ninja turtles that I grew up with. These are Nickelodeon Ninja Turtles and I am outraged. The turtles I grew up with weren't the old mattel shit either, with their different colored masks and Michelangelo loves pizza and all that horse shit. I'm talking about authentic, comic book Ninja Turtles here. They all had red masks and said cuss words. And they didn't live in a sewer. That's stupid. You can't live in a sewer. They lived in a mobile home, and it made sense because they're turtles. And they didn't fight robots with ninja weapons. They backed over people with their cars. Because unlike all the other versions of Ninja Turtles, the comics actually asked the question, "What would it really be like if there were mutant turtles that learned to be ninjas?" And the answer is that they would back over guys in their cars.

And they didn't say "Cowabunga!" They said "Yaoi Bunghole!" That's Japanese ninja talk for "Cute Bunghole."

Nostalgia is stupid. It makes you like stuff that sucks, like Ninja Turtles. I hate to be the one to say it, but even all those classic old NES games suck. I can only play them now to examine what they had to say about the world at the time. Super Mario Brothers is obviously a condemnation of 80's drug culture. Bowser represents the rise of crystal meth, while Mario embraces the old ways of mushroom-powered vision quests.

Tetris, a game made in the Soviet Union, is about making different shaped blocks fit together so that they disappear from the screen. Clearly, the creator was pointing out that those who hide their differences and conform will be invisible to the State's destructive malice toward individualism. Or, alternatively, the player is the State, and his job is to find appropriate positions for each citizen without leaving any gaps.

Metroid is about gender. You play that game as a badass space faring bounty hunter dude for literally months, struggling to overcome ludicrous adversity. Eventually, you destroy Mother Brain (institutionalized western attitudes about the psychology of gender) with a rocket. Then you take off your power suit. Turns out you're a girl. Turns out you've got green hair. Turns out you've had a boner the whole time.

This brings us back to TMNT. The Ninja Turtles, for what it's worth, appeared on the NES four times. And what did they say about the world of the 80's and early 90's? Well, in the first one they point out that the Hudson River is so polluted that even radioactive, mutant, river-dwelling reptiles can't survive its waters. The second, "TMNT2: The Arcade Game" was one of the first to provide a co-op, four player experience. It's all about the need to find a middle ground between collectivist "mass action" and individual liberty and freedom of choice.

The third, "TMNT: The Manhattan Project," might appear at first to be a comment on the cold war. It came out in December of '91, releasing only 13 days before the dissolution of the Soviet Union. But I believe the plot tells a different story. In this game, Shredder uses ninja magic and weird Dimension X technology to turn Manhattan into a floating island in the sky, high above the rest of New York and the world. I believe this was a prescient observation about Wall Street and its position in the coming decades. It warns against what might become of us if we don't take the lessons of "TMNT2: The Arcade Game" to heart.

The fourth game, "Tournament Fighters," was released in 1993 and said nothing at all. Just more vapid swill for the kind of nostalgic Ninja Turtle "fan" that can't even define "perestroika," much less see the clear overtures from Reagan to Gorbachev evident in the earlier TMNT NES titles. Please end this charade. Ninja Turtles without a Soviet Union are like an envelope without a letter. What is the meaning of this drivel, Micheal Bay?

[User Picture]From: tcpip
2014-04-06 11:28 am (UTC)
Happy birthday goatunit!

I remember the four-issue comic series. With my own particular biases I came to enjoy Splinter - even given the strange double-history for that character.
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